Love is in the Air

Valentine's Day is on the way...and to be honest I really couldn't care less. Since I don't have a special man in my life right now I'm not necessarily looking forward to it, but by no means am I dreading it either.

Come on, lets be honest, Valentine's Day is not really all it's cracked up to be anyways. Even when I did have a boyfriend we usually spent the "special" day eating Domino's Pizza on my bedroom floor or laying around in sweats watching a basketball game together... And for me, I was perfectly okay with that. I'm much more low maintenance than I may appear, believe it or not ;)

I don't need someone telling me that I have to go out to dinner and be showered with gifts to prove that I'm loved. I would much rather be taken out or given a gift or find a hand written note somewhere out of the blue, because they actually wanted to, and they knew it would make me smile.

.....


Over the past couple years, Valentine's Day for me has become less about all the Hallmark hoopla and more about telling the important people in my life how much they matter. It isn't often that I truly express to my parents or my brother or sister or my best friends how much they really mean to me and what an impact they have had on my life.

So Valentine's Day is that one day each year when I can be as sentimental as I want and still get away with it.

I've gotten in the habit of sending each of them a little card...nothing special...99 cent sale rack will do just fine...just something that I can write to them and let them know they are loved and always will be.

Quote of the day: "A bell is no bell 'til you ring it. A song is no song 'til you sing it. And love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay - Love isn’t love 'til you give it away." ~ Sound of Music

So Much For Proving Me Wrong

So about 4 months ago, while randomly surfing the net, probably googling some phrase like "how to get over an ex" (yes, I really actually research stuff like that...you can just call me ridiculous), I stumbled upon Ashley D's blog.

Her boyfriend of 6 years had recently broken up with her, and since I was also going through a long term relationship break up I immediately found an incredible amount of comfort in her words. The more I read, the more I wanted to read. In one, multi-hour long sitting I'm pretty sure I read every single one of her posts, in its entirety, some multiple times. For the first time I felt like I wasn't alone in this horrific world known as heartache...and you have no idea how great that felt.

Then along came my girl Classy In Philadelphia. Not too sure how exactly we found each other but we did, and she too was going through a long term relationship split. She had been with her man about the same amount of time as me and mine, and had even broken up around the same time as we did too. Crazy.

Anyways, the point of my story is that now here we are, about 6 months post breakup for all of us (the average amount of time it takes for a guy to realize how stupid he was), and both of their exes have come back around.

Yep, they both finally got that call that all us broken hearted ex girlfriends hope to get one day. The one where they say they made a mistake and really miss us and have never stopped thinking about us the whole time...you know, the one where we can sit at the other end of the phone and laugh to ourselves, thinking "ha ha" I coulda told you so.

Well, for me, not only has my ex not made any contact...he is actually more non-existent than ever.

For over 4 months I haven't heard from him or contacted him (yay me!). The last time we talked on the phone was December 18th (yeah I could probably tell you the exact time of the call too if you wanted to know...typical psycho girl) and at the end of the phone call he said "Ok well I'll call you later", I said "No you won't" and he responded with a line I'll never forget..."Well, I'm gonna prove you wrong".

Hmmm...so much proving me wrong, huh dude??


Anyways, with his birthday being next week the ex became the topic of conversation at work the other day, and at the urging of one of my coworkers I did something really stupid ...I *67ed him.

Yeah I know...bad idea!! I definitely should've known better. My coworker is 40 and single, so I'm not sure what I was thinking taking advice from her, but I did. Oh well!

The verdict is...the call (or actually the 2 or 3 calls I made just to double check I had the number correct and was hearing the voicemail message right) revealed that unless he has gotten a sex change and now goes by the name Linda*, then he has changed his cell phone number.

Yeah, it might not seem like a big deal to you guys, but I'm gonna be honest and tell you that it had me in tears the entire day.

He changed his cell phone number and didn't tell me...Someone he used to call 10 times a day...Someone who he used to tell everything to. He changed his cell phone number and didn't tell me.

Even if I wanted to contact him now I couldn't.

I'm not really exactly sure why this upset me so much but it really, really did.

I guess I always felt that if, God forbid, something horrible happened and I NEEDED to call him and cry in his ear and be comforted by someone who was my best friend for 4 years and knows me inside and out...then I could.

So I guess it just hit me like a ton of bricks to realize...now I can't, AND he obviously doesn't want me to! :(


Quote of the day: "Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

Boyz II Men Back Again

My dearest Boyz II Men,

Nathan, Michael, Shawn and Wanya --- I really missed you guys. Where have you been all these years? Other than that little fling I had with Grant Hill and David Justice, you were my one true love back in the 90's. It really wasn't right for you to just up and leave me like that. I know you said you had come to the "end of the road" but I guess I wasn't prepared for you to just disappear on me.

We shared so many memories together, so many long car rides, so many intimate moments, so many tears. Hearing your voice, even now, makes me all tingly inside.

Just yesterday I heard from one of my friends that you are coming into town next month. It hurts me so much that I had to find out news like that through the grapevine...I really thought we were closer than that. But the truth is, I'm super excited. I still love you, always have, and always will. I can't wait to see you. I'm so glad you are back again!

Quote of the day: "Can we go back to the days our love was strong. Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong. Can somebody tell me how to get things back the way they used to be. Oh God give me a reason, I'm down on bended knee." ~ Boyz II Men

Real Love

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I ran across this quote on Emily's blog: The Adventure's of Little Miss Pissy (check her out, she is hilarious) and it struck such a cord with me. We often look around and see couples so infatuated with one another, so googly eyed in one anther's presence that we can't help but envy them and think, "Aw, they are so much in love". And yes, they probably are indeed "in love", but being "in love" and having real love are two totally different things.

For 25 years I've had the privilege of watching and learning from two people who I believe have found what everyone in this world is ultimately seeking ...real, unconditional, never ending love . Those two people are my parents. No they don't lose their breath when they see each other, no you won't see them making out in public or bragging about how incredible their relationships is... But at the end of the day they know without a shadow of a doubt that the other will be there for them. They've built a family together, they've built a life together, they respect each other, they are committed to each other, they are each other's best friend.

That's what real love is...and I can only hope and pray to find the same thing one day.



Quote of the day: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . ." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

You Know What Sucks?...Change

My mom and dad got married over 30 years ago and have been happily married ever since. My dad’s first real job after finishing up his PhD was at Allegany Ballistics Laboratory and he has worked there ever since. Likewise, my moms first real job was at the local hospital (delivering little babies. awww.) and she too has worked there ever since. They’ve lived in the same house, gone to the same church, vacationed at the same place, done the same things... year in and year out.

That's us. I'm the little tike fresh out of the womb.

So I guess what I’m trying to get at, in a roundabout sort of way, as always, is…I HATE CHANGE!

My parents provided me with the most stable of upbringings, which I will forever be grateful for (thanks mom and dad!), but because of it I have the darnedest time accepting when things in my life change. And by "things" I mean ANY little thing. For goodness sakes I've cried after getting my hair cut before...and not necessarily because I hated it, just because it wasn't "the same".

Yeah, I know...I'm nuts.

Just yesterday in fact I decided to relocate from my corner office at work to one closer to the printer (which I wore the heel off quite a few pair of my favorite pumps running back and forth to so much). And just from that tiny little move I could instantaneously feel the sadness knot forming in my stomach and the symptoms of separation anxiety beginning to kick in.

Separation anxiety from changing the location of my desk space in the office? Really, what is wrong me?

Big things or little things, actually important in the larger scheme of life or not, it seems that just when I get used to the way things are, life comes along and changes it all up. The worst part is that even when I know the change is better for me, I still just hate the newness of it all.

I guess maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time with this breakup. Even though my head knows its better for me in the long run, the fact that my life is no longer the same as it has been for quite a few years is what is really throwing me for a loop. I'm used to my morning wake up call and my good night I love yous. I'm used to knowing (or thinking I know) what my future holds. I'm used to the whole routine of it. And then BAM...just like that I get hit with the your-life-has-changed-and-there-is-nothing-you-can-do-about-it stick!

Ughh! Anyone else despise change? Or is it just me?


Quote of the day: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

My Survival Guide

Over the past several months I've run across quite a few of you, who just like me...have a slightly broken heart. Although I fully enjoy reading about the others on the opposite end of the spectrum who have awesome boyfriends or fabulous husbands, I am naturally drawn to those who are in the same boat as me.

When I read your posts I can feel the pain in every word. I know exactly how you are feeling, I recognize the struggles that every new day brings, and I hope for you, just like I hope for myself, that the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will soon subside and your happiness will return once again.

So in an effort to help, I decided I would share a few of the things that I have been doing that have helped me survive some of my darkest days. I'm aware that none of these will ever erase the pain completely and that despite our greatest efforts we will still have those days every now and then when nothing short of laying in bed for hours on end, with the sheets pulled up over our head will help.

But despite a few regretful steps backwards, these are the things that now have me headed in the right direction:

Getting Rid of It - I can still remember the painful morning I packed up all of his stuff (and I mean alllll of it, every article of clothing, every picture I had, every CD he made me, every note he wrote me,...) and I left it on the hood of his car. As hard it was knowing I will never see those things again, ultimately it was the best thing I could've done for myself. There is no reason to torture yourself everyday by leaving traces of him all over the place. So my advice...get rid of it all. You will always have your memories.

Going No Contact For A While- 68 days ago I started my no-contact-what-so-ever "He-Tox" program, as I like to call it. Just like drugs and alcohol, love is an addiction. And although we don't really need them, we think we do. So after two months of contacting him every few days, and realizing I was only hurting myself each time I did it, I decided I had to put an end to it if I really wanted to heal. Of course there are still so many days that I just want to pick up the phone and call him or send him an email to say hello, but ultimately I know it is not in my best interest. "If he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him."

Letting It All Out - When I feel like talking, I talk about it to anyone who will listen. When I feel like crying, I cry til I don't have anymore tears left. Basically whatever it is I feel like doing, I do it (other than contacting him, of course). I know that without first dealing with my anger, fear, sadness and sorrow I will never be able to reach forgiveness, and ultimately...happiness.

Spoiling Myself - When it comes to boyfriends, I am an extremely selfless person. Every time I went shopping over the past 4 years I would always come back with something for him. Whether it was a new hat, or a simple "I'm thinking of you" card, I was always sacrificing for myself just to make him happy. Now that I have all that extra money in my pocket from not buying for him anymore, I've realized it's about time I spoil MYSELF for a change. So if there is a $300 pair of jeans that I want or a new Coach bag I've been dying to have...I'm gonna get it. I deserve to smile too!

Hitting up the Gym - Working out is beneficial in so many ways, I can not stress this enough. I definitely think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't devote 2 hours everyday to myself. It's like my daily dose of personal therapy. Besides the fact that working out releases similar endorphins as those released when you laugh, there is no greater revenge than looking smoking hot the next time he sees you.

Keeping Busy - If you are anything like me then there are so many things that you always wished you could do, or planned on doing but never had enough time for when you were in your relationship. Well...now, if you are anything like me, I'm pretty sure you have a lot of free time on your hands. So get on it. Join a church, finish your masters courses, sign up for that striptease class, reconnect with old friends. Whatever it is, just stay busy. If you don't have free time to sit around and think about him, then you won't!

Reading About It - Sometimes when we are going through pain in our lives we think no one else in this world understands how we feel. But the truth is, at one point or another pretty much everyone has been where we are right now. And as shocking as it may sound, they all made it out on the other side. What helps me most when I am feeling all alone in this huge world is reading self help books. You might think this is lame but trust me, it really helps. Right now I'm reading "Mars & Venus: Starting Over" and I highly recommend it, or something like it.

Taking My Time - Although at first I was rushing to fill the cold spot in my bed, I quickly realized that by doing that I was just putting a bandaid on my wound, when what I really needed to do was let it heal. As much as other people out there want us to get over it and quickly get ourselves into a new relationship, its okay to go at your own pace. Just like a broken bone needs time to heal so it can come out of the cast stronger than before, so too does a broken heart. Just remember there is nothing wrong with baby steps.

Well...I think that's about it. Although I really could go on and on, I think this post is way more than long enough. So for all my broken hearted bloggie buddies...hang in there, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it!

And if you've got any other heart mending secrets, please do share. I've still got a long way to go.


Quote of the day: "I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees sure are easier to fix than broken hearts."

Cupid is Stupid!

So today officially sucks :( It’s Valentines Day, the first Valentine’s Day I’ve been alone in 4 years...and I hate it. As much as I know its just a stupid corporate money-making holiday, it is still an ever-present reminder that I am single, and the rest of the world, as it seems, is not.

If the 14th would have fallen on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or heck I’d even take a Sunday, it really wouldn’t have been a big deal to me. I would’ve just went about my business as normal, and conveniently let the date slip my mind. But NO, it had to be a Saturday didn’t it. Just my luck! My first Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t just get an evening devoted to it, nope, it gets an entire freakin’ day. So awesome.

Sense any anger or bitterness? Nope, not at all.

And to make matters even worse I can’t help but keep thinking about the sweet little card and cute little teddy bear that I’m sure my ex probably bought for his fabulous new girlfriend today.

Like she really deserves it.

- I was the one who went to every single one of his football games
- I was the one who was always there to encourage him when he was feeling low
- I was the one who helped him turn his life around
- I was the one who believed in him when nobody else did
- I was the one who wiped his tears when he got cut from the Giants
- I was the one who helped him out when he needed a new computer, xbox, tv…
- I was the one who put together his resume so he could get a good job
- I was the one who taped all of his games and scrapbooked all of his pictures
- I was the one who fired his agent when he wasn’t happy with him
- I was the one who spent hours upon hours helping him get rid of a virus on his computer, because I knew he didn't have the money for a technician
- I was the one who gave up my free time to help him with his homework every night so he could graduate from college
- I was the one who would surprise him with random gifts just to make him smile
- I was the one...

…and yet I’m the one sitting here by myself :(

Have I told you how much I hate Valentine's Day this year?




Quote of the day: "I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

Happy Birthday Friend

Today is Jennifer Aniston's 40th birthday! Crazy right? That girl looks darn good I must say. I can only hope to look that good when I'm 40.

Although I'm sure a little plastic surgery and airbrushing here and there had a tad bit to do with it, I still like to believe otherwise. It gives me hope...False hope, but hope none the less.

I've actually always been a huge fan of Jen's. She's got that wholesome girl next door thing going on and I really like that. Doesn't need make up, can be wearing jeans and a ball cap (or absolutely nothing, as is apparent in this picture)...and yet she's still absolutely gorgeous. I'm so jealous.

So I guess from all that you can pretty much safely assume that if I had to pick sides in the Jen vs Angelina showdown, I'd have Jen's back for sure.

Although I've been disrespected and treated rather bad by the men boys I've loved in my life, I can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like to have your husband go off to work one day and leave you the next for his whorebag coworker. And as if that's not bad enough, then you have to see the two of them, every single day, every which way you look, flaunting how amazingly happy they are. Ugggh...so painful...that's like getting stabbed in the heart over and over and over again.

And yet she's handled it all with such class and dignity. I totally respect that.

So if anyone deserves to have a "happy" birthday, its you Jen. Go on girl, do you! :)


Quote of the day: "There are no regrets in life, just lessons" ~ Jen Aniston

He's Just Not That Into You...

Last night my girlfriend and I, along with every other female on the face of this planet, went to see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". Being that pretty much every single famous actor and actress I know and love was in it (and it was based right here in b-more!), I figured it had to be good....and I certainly wasn't disappointed.

I would definitely have to say I enjoyed every minute of it. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and most importantly it made me think. As absolutely hilarious as it all was, it was also right on point. I caught myself over and over again throughout the movie thinking, "oh my gosh that is me", or "I so do that", or "he said those exact same things to me", or "I know just how she feels". It was really reassuring to know that no matter how alone I feel right now in this chaotic world we call love and relationships, everyone else is going through it too.

Why things happen, how things happen, how a certain person makes us feel, why we like who we do...the truth is, none of it makes sense. There are those guys that are pretty much perfect and so into us, but for some reason we just don't like them. There are those guys that we are so into, that couldn't care less about us. There are those guys that we know we don't want a relationship with, but just continue to string along and keep running back to when we are feeling lonely and need our ego stroked. And there are those guys we went out on a limb with and decided to trust with our heart, who so selfishly broke it into a million tiny pieces.

Nope, none of it makes sense and unfortunately there are no real answers when it comes to love. No matter how much advice we are given, its one of those things where you just have to live and learn and grow. Because the truth is that sometimes we have to get shot down or have our hearts trampled on just so that we can figure out who we are and what it is that we truly want (or don't want) from a man/relationship.

Quote of the day: "A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person … if he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you."

Making a Difference

It's Sunday. Waahooo! Super Bowl Sunday actually. Who wouldn't be excited about that? I know I sure am. If the commercials and food aren't enough of a draw for me, the fact that the Steelers made it in this year definitely is. Let's Go Pittsburgh!

Anyways, not sure what everyone else normally does with their Sundays, but for me, straight out of the womb, mine have always been about church. Since I'm pretty new at this whole blog thing, and don't really have any patterns or traditions going yet, I decided I would start one. From now on I'm going to make my Sunday blogs a little bit different than all the rest. No, don't get worried, I'm not going to preach, but I am going to talk about things with a little bit more substance. I know what you're thinking...more substance than Jergen's lotion and itchy sweaters? Yeah, hard to imagine, but here it goes...

Today, for my first attempt at this, I got to thinking a little bit about relationships. Not necessarily just love relationships, like girlfriend and boyfriend/husband and wife (although they certainly do fall in that category), but also about the relationships we have with our friends, with our parents, or even with random people we meet on the street.

Unfortunately today we live in a very selfish society. If you look around, you will see this world is all about me, me, me. People are worried about themselves, and only themselves and really don't care who they have to step on along the way, as long as they are getting where they want to go. And since that's what this world around us is teaching us, it's very easy to get sucked into that way of thinking.

But the truth is, that mentality will never bring a person true happiness. From what I've seen, selfishness and misery go hand in hand. I believe that if you want your life to increase and if you want your life to get better, then you need to help improve somebody elses life. The people that come into our lives, don't come into it by chance. God puts them there on purpose. It is our job to encourage them, build them up, and challenge them to reach for new heights.

As most of you know, for the past few months I have been dealing with a break up from a significant relationship. I keep telling myself I'm not going talk about it anymore on here, but it's clearly not working out so well....Oh well... anyways, for the longest time I just kept asking why? why? why? Why did I have to waste 3 1/2 years of my life on something that didn't work out? Why? Why? Why?

But the more I've got to thinking about it, the more it all makes sense. It wasn't time wasted at all. It was a lesson learned...another piece in the puzzle. In this case it wasn't so much about me (although I did learn a lot too), but more about how I was to be used to have an impact on him. I encouraged him. I challenged him. I helped turn his life around. By Christian example I showed him how to treat people with love and respect and selflessness...things he'd never been shown or taught before. And hopefully I inspired him to want become a better person.

That is why.

So whether it's our friends, our boyfriends, or the cashier at the grocery store, its important for us to remember that the way we treat people can have a big impact on their lives, whether we know it or not. Not only will it help them, but in a weird way it will help you as well...Trust me...There is no greater investment in life than being a people builder.



Quote of the day: "The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." ~ Nelson Henderson

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. ~ Matthew 7:12

Letting Go

Out of the blue my cousin texted me the other day and asked me how things with J were going, and if I'd heard anything from him recently. It was at that moment, staring at the screen of my cell phone, that I had a mini revelation - No I haven't heard from him. In fact its been over a month since we've had any sort of contact. And I'm actually okay with it. Yeah you read right...I think I'm really getting over him. It's really finally happening!

When things ended back in September I was absolutely devastated. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would ever really break up. As far as I knew we had a great relationship. Hardly ever even got into an argument. He meant the world to me. I would have done anything for that boy. He was my very best friend, the person I told all my stories and deepest darkest secrets to. The one I definitely thought I was going to marry some day.... But it didn't work out.

On Monday, September 15th he was the one who said the words. At first I didn't believe it was real. For weeks I walked around kind of in a state of shock, sure it would all just blow over eventually. I tried my hardest to be patient, doing everything I thought I could to gradually make things right again, while still giving him the space he needed to figure it out for himself. However, as things unfolded over the next couple of months and he did one horrible thing after another after another to me, the truth was finally revealed to me.

With a clear mind, no longer blinded by love, I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was, our relationship really wasn't as great as it seemed, and everything we (well really I) had worked hard to build over the years was now broken into a million tiny pieces. I guess it was at that moment that I realized and accepted that it was over for good. I decided it was time to switch my efforts from trying to get back with him, to letting him go and moving on with my life.

Now, four months later, the emotions are all still there. Yeah I still miss him. I still think about him everyday, in fact, and catch myself wondering what he's doing all the time. But a certain amount of logic is in effect now. Even if he did come back and beg for another chance, could I ever really trust him again and why would I even want to try?

There are those times that I see something or hear something that reminds me of him and I just break down in tears. There is sadness about missing his laugh and his kisses. There is anger for what he has done to me. But I'm glad to say that there is also finally happiness. I've joined a new church, reconnected with my friends, and am falling in love with myself all over again. Although at first I was rushing to fill the cold spot in my bed, now I'm just giving myself time to greive, heal and sort through all the baggage. I'm being happy in the moment. Not worrying about the past or the future, just learning how to live my life to the fullest without him. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things really do fall apart just so that better things can fall together.



Quote of the day: "There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we think we can't live without but have to let go."