Letting Go

Out of the blue my cousin texted me the other day and asked me how things with J were going, and if I'd heard anything from him recently. It was at that moment, staring at the screen of my cell phone, that I had a mini revelation - No I haven't heard from him. In fact its been over a month since we've had any sort of contact. And I'm actually okay with it. Yeah you read right...I think I'm really getting over him. It's really finally happening!

When things ended back in September I was absolutely devastated. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would ever really break up. As far as I knew we had a great relationship. Hardly ever even got into an argument. He meant the world to me. I would have done anything for that boy. He was my very best friend, the person I told all my stories and deepest darkest secrets to. The one I definitely thought I was going to marry some day.... But it didn't work out.

On Monday, September 15th he was the one who said the words. At first I didn't believe it was real. For weeks I walked around kind of in a state of shock, sure it would all just blow over eventually. I tried my hardest to be patient, doing everything I thought I could to gradually make things right again, while still giving him the space he needed to figure it out for himself. However, as things unfolded over the next couple of months and he did one horrible thing after another after another to me, the truth was finally revealed to me.

With a clear mind, no longer blinded by love, I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was, our relationship really wasn't as great as it seemed, and everything we (well really I) had worked hard to build over the years was now broken into a million tiny pieces. I guess it was at that moment that I realized and accepted that it was over for good. I decided it was time to switch my efforts from trying to get back with him, to letting him go and moving on with my life.

Now, four months later, the emotions are all still there. Yeah I still miss him. I still think about him everyday, in fact, and catch myself wondering what he's doing all the time. But a certain amount of logic is in effect now. Even if he did come back and beg for another chance, could I ever really trust him again and why would I even want to try?

There are those times that I see something or hear something that reminds me of him and I just break down in tears. There is sadness about missing his laugh and his kisses. There is anger for what he has done to me. But I'm glad to say that there is also finally happiness. I've joined a new church, reconnected with my friends, and am falling in love with myself all over again. Although at first I was rushing to fill the cold spot in my bed, now I'm just giving myself time to greive, heal and sort through all the baggage. I'm being happy in the moment. Not worrying about the past or the future, just learning how to live my life to the fullest without him. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things really do fall apart just so that better things can fall together.



Quote of the day: "There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we think we can't live without but have to let go."