Happy Anniversary!

Today is a very important day. *drum roll please* Today is the one year anniversary of my blog! Wahooo! *cue confetti and screaming fans*

Hard to believe that I created this thing 365 days ago. Rockin' Robyn rocks on! (corny I know) Yeah, so I can't claim that I've been the most consistent with it, but no matter how long I've strayed I've always returned...and that's what really matters most anyways.

When I think back on it, and skim over my past entries, like I love to do, its crazy to me all the things that've went down in my life this year. And through it all, my blog has been along for the ride...all the ups and downs, all the smiles and tears...always raw, real, and uncut...Yep, all of my emotions and inner thoughts are right here in my own words to read forever (or at least I hope so. Please blogger.com don't fail me, I beg you).

This year my blog has seen many things.

First and foremost (the whole reason why I really even started this blog in the first place) its seen me get my heart broken... over and over again unfortunately.

Its seen me brag about my awesome job and then cry when I got fired from it.

Its seen me panic when I had to move out of my apartment and struggle with the fear of the unknown.

Its seen me go from Miss Independent, who has her life all planned out, to Miss Somebody-help-me because I have no clue what my future holds and can't even pretend I do.

But...

This year has also seen some good things too...I must admit. With the rain also comes the rainbow.

Its seen me change as a person...for sure. As Christina Aguilera said "it made me that much stronger, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much wiser. Thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, made me that much smarter. So thanks for making me a fighter."

Its seen me realize what and who are truly important in my life and what and who never were.

Its seen me get a new job.

Its seen me move into a new apartment.

Its seen me go on a bunch of awesome vacations.

Its seen me open my mind and heart to things I never would have been open to before.

And its seen me laugh at this crazy thing we call life and most importantly laugh at myself.

...my blog has seen it all. And I can't wait to see what the next 365 days hold!

Quote of the day: "If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change." ~John A. Simone, Sr.

New Year, Fresh Start!

Happy New Year everyone! 2010 is officially here! Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending!

I stumbled across a quote the other day that really got me thinking...

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”.

...such a simple quote, yet so deep, and for me, so very on point.

Although I'm not one who is big on resolutions, I am big on goals. Because no matter how much you think you want something, if you don't harness your energy and focus it on a specific target then you are never going to accomplish as much as you are capable of.

So as I enter this new year and new decade I am determined:
~ Not to see the past better than it was
because if those people from my past were so great then they surely would have made it into my future. And although I have had some great times and amazing memories, I have to believe the best days of my life lie ahead.

As I enter this new year and new decade I am determined:
~ Not to see the present worse than it is
because the truth is I AM BLESSED! I am not going to be happy "when"...I am happy NOW because I am alive, I am healthy, I have a job, I have a roof over my head, and I have people in my life that truly love me. I've learned that people can be taken away, my job can be taken away, and all the things I thought and knew can be taken away, but no one can take away my happiness without my permission!

And as I enter this new year and new decade I am determined:
~ Not to see my future less resolved than it will be
Its easy to spend a lot of time worrying about the future but Matthew 6:34 says "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". So although I don't know what is going to happen, where I am going to be, what I am going to be doing, who I am going to be doing it with...I do believe that all things will work together for my good and the desires of my heart will be given to me :)



Quote of the day: "We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Remember When...

Remember when time used to move so slow? When the school year lasted forever. Christmas never could come fast enough. And in a short 2 hour car ride "are we there yet?" was asked at least a million times.

Well what the heck happened? How is life really moving this fast now? How did I get this old? It can't possibly almost be October already. I can't possibly be almost 26 years old already. >:O

As I'm sitting here at the kitchen table, eating a pumpkin muffin with my coffee (dunking of course, just like I used to watch my mom do every morning), checking up on my email and all the latest news online I can't help but chuckle out loud a little bit. I AM OLD. I'm a grown up. Worrying about whether Johnny has a crush on me or when the next big party is, has now been replaced by credit card payments and when my next meeting is.

Wow, when did this happen and how can I make it stop? Or do I really want it to stop? Is growing up really that bad?


Quote of the day: "There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?" ~Grey's Anatomy

It's life. It's loss. It's change.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is, that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

~Grey's Anatomy

I Have an Idea...Mind Your Own Business

So, you wanna know what really annoys the heck out of me?
(Well, even if you don't, I'm telling you anyways.)


I really hate it when people ask the question "So, are you dating anyone yet?"

OMG seriously??? If I have to hear that question one more time I think I might shoot myself in the head...repeatedly (if that were possible).

First of all lets just get this straight:

1) Mind your own business
2) As if being single doesn't suck enough, the last thing I need is to be nagged about it
and 3) If I was, and wanted you to know about it then I would have told you...thank-you-very-much

*Cue deep breath*

Okay anyways, that was a great vent session. Just what I needed. Thanks for listening.

Happy Monday Everyone! Hope your week is off to a great start...clearly mine is ;)



Quote of the day: "If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts.”

So Much For Proving Me Wrong

So about 4 months ago, while randomly surfing the net, probably googling some phrase like "how to get over an ex" (yes, I really actually research stuff like that...you can just call me ridiculous), I stumbled upon Ashley D's blog.

Her boyfriend of 6 years had recently broken up with her, and since I was also going through a long term relationship break up I immediately found an incredible amount of comfort in her words. The more I read, the more I wanted to read. In one, multi-hour long sitting I'm pretty sure I read every single one of her posts, in its entirety, some multiple times. For the first time I felt like I wasn't alone in this horrific world known as heartache...and you have no idea how great that felt.

Then along came my girl Classy In Philadelphia. Not too sure how exactly we found each other but we did, and she too was going through a long term relationship split. She had been with her man about the same amount of time as me and mine, and had even broken up around the same time as we did too. Crazy.

Anyways, the point of my story is that now here we are, about 6 months post breakup for all of us (the average amount of time it takes for a guy to realize how stupid he was), and both of their exes have come back around.

Yep, they both finally got that call that all us broken hearted ex girlfriends hope to get one day. The one where they say they made a mistake and really miss us and have never stopped thinking about us the whole time...you know, the one where we can sit at the other end of the phone and laugh to ourselves, thinking "ha ha" I coulda told you so.

Well, for me, not only has my ex not made any contact...he is actually more non-existent than ever.

For over 4 months I haven't heard from him or contacted him (yay me!). The last time we talked on the phone was December 18th (yeah I could probably tell you the exact time of the call too if you wanted to know...typical psycho girl) and at the end of the phone call he said "Ok well I'll call you later", I said "No you won't" and he responded with a line I'll never forget..."Well, I'm gonna prove you wrong".

Hmmm...so much proving me wrong, huh dude??


Anyways, with his birthday being next week the ex became the topic of conversation at work the other day, and at the urging of one of my coworkers I did something really stupid ...I *67ed him.

Yeah I know...bad idea!! I definitely should've known better. My coworker is 40 and single, so I'm not sure what I was thinking taking advice from her, but I did. Oh well!

The verdict is...the call (or actually the 2 or 3 calls I made just to double check I had the number correct and was hearing the voicemail message right) revealed that unless he has gotten a sex change and now goes by the name Linda*, then he has changed his cell phone number.

Yeah, it might not seem like a big deal to you guys, but I'm gonna be honest and tell you that it had me in tears the entire day.

He changed his cell phone number and didn't tell me...Someone he used to call 10 times a day...Someone who he used to tell everything to. He changed his cell phone number and didn't tell me.

Even if I wanted to contact him now I couldn't.

I'm not really exactly sure why this upset me so much but it really, really did.

I guess I always felt that if, God forbid, something horrible happened and I NEEDED to call him and cry in his ear and be comforted by someone who was my best friend for 4 years and knows me inside and out...then I could.

So I guess it just hit me like a ton of bricks to realize...now I can't, AND he obviously doesn't want me to! :(


Quote of the day: "Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

Back to Business

My birthday week is officially over :( How depressing!

The anticipation and excitement, abundance of gifts and desserts, and special attention that came along with my birthday has now faded and all I'm left with (other than the ten extra pounds that probably went straight to my hips thanks to one too many pieces of birthday cake) is the simple fact that...I'm 25. And that, in and of itself, really isn't all its cracked up to be.

I made a pact on my 21st birthday that that one would be my last. No more aging...21 seemed to me to be a great age to stay at eternally. But I guess my birthday didn't get the memo because every year, despite my plea, it continues to come around again. Augh!

But in all seriousness, my birthday this year was pretty fabulous. I was a little worried that my first JJ-less birthday might be a real downer, but I already successfully made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without him and my birthday turned out to be no different.

Just like I predicted, he didn't call, email, text, facebook me...nothing...and although I did a good job of not letting it get me down, inside I was really hoping he would, just so I could ignore it and feel the pleasure associated with having the upper hand. But oh well. Some day.

I spent my birthday with the people who really love me and always will, no matter what...my family...and that's what really matters.

We had a great time together.

Friday afternoon the weather was nice so my mom, sister and I decided to go for a bike ride on the Allegheny Highlands Trail. We rode 7 miles up and 7 miles back and, despite my deluxe bike seat, my inner thighs are still hurting. We saw a few wild turkeys, chatted it up with some guy carrying a gun to protect himself from the bears (yes, there really are turkeys and bears there...crazy), and of course stopped along the way to take a few pictures.

Here are a some of them. I hesitated sharing these because I really don't think I've ever looked stupider, but oh well, laugh all you want :)

And other than shopping, exercising, eating (a lot), and going to church, this is how we spent the rest of weekend......On the couch watching college basketball together! My kind of weekend!


Quote of the day: "Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter. " ~ Brad Henry

You Know What Sucks?...Change

My mom and dad got married over 30 years ago and have been happily married ever since. My dad’s first real job after finishing up his PhD was at Allegany Ballistics Laboratory and he has worked there ever since. Likewise, my moms first real job was at the local hospital (delivering little babies. awww.) and she too has worked there ever since. They’ve lived in the same house, gone to the same church, vacationed at the same place, done the same things... year in and year out.

That's us. I'm the little tike fresh out of the womb.

So I guess what I’m trying to get at, in a roundabout sort of way, as always, is…I HATE CHANGE!

My parents provided me with the most stable of upbringings, which I will forever be grateful for (thanks mom and dad!), but because of it I have the darnedest time accepting when things in my life change. And by "things" I mean ANY little thing. For goodness sakes I've cried after getting my hair cut before...and not necessarily because I hated it, just because it wasn't "the same".

Yeah, I know...I'm nuts.

Just yesterday in fact I decided to relocate from my corner office at work to one closer to the printer (which I wore the heel off quite a few pair of my favorite pumps running back and forth to so much). And just from that tiny little move I could instantaneously feel the sadness knot forming in my stomach and the symptoms of separation anxiety beginning to kick in.

Separation anxiety from changing the location of my desk space in the office? Really, what is wrong me?

Big things or little things, actually important in the larger scheme of life or not, it seems that just when I get used to the way things are, life comes along and changes it all up. The worst part is that even when I know the change is better for me, I still just hate the newness of it all.

I guess maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time with this breakup. Even though my head knows its better for me in the long run, the fact that my life is no longer the same as it has been for quite a few years is what is really throwing me for a loop. I'm used to my morning wake up call and my good night I love yous. I'm used to knowing (or thinking I know) what my future holds. I'm used to the whole routine of it. And then BAM...just like that I get hit with the your-life-has-changed-and-there-is-nothing-you-can-do-about-it stick!

Ughh! Anyone else despise change? Or is it just me?


Quote of the day: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Monday-itis

Ughh...I've got a serious case of the Mondays :(

Maybe it's the fact that it's been rainy and yucky around here for quite a few days now and its finally starting to rub off on me...Maybe its the never-ending roommate drama that I'm stuck in the middle of, that makes being in my own apartment extremely awkward...Or maybe its the fact that exactly three months ago today is the last time my ex has made an attempt to contact me and it's making me feel so easily replaceable and so quickly forgotten about.

But whatever the exact reason is, most likely a combination type deal, today in particular, its really all getting me down. So in an effort to snap out of my funk I'm gonna do a little A-to-Z survey thing. 1) Because surveys in and of themselves make me happy, and 2) as a way to focus on the positive, happy things going on in my life, rather than the bad and the sad.

So here it goes:

A-1 STEAK SAUCE. Random I know, but just thinking about the stuff makes me happy. Yumm-oo!

B 3 months and counting until I'm on my way to BERMUDA!
White sand, clear water, hot sun...I can't wait!

C For many years while in college I fell out of the routine of going to church because no one I knew in the DC area went and I feared going by myself. But with God's help and perfect planning, I have now found a new CHURCH that I absolutely love!

D Yesterday DUKE won the Atlantic Coast Conference B-ball Tournament.
2009 ACC champs baby! We are, you're not!

E This Friday night my bestie is having an EIGHTIES PARTY.
It's been a long time since my last crimped, side ponytail. Should be fun!

F Starburst FAVEREDS are for real my friends. I'm in love.
I bought my first bag on Saturday at Giant. Practically already ate them all.

G My GIRLFRIENDS are the best! Really don't know what I would do without them right now.

H Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. And my office is having a St. Patty's day HAPPY HOUR. Yay! Happy hours make me happy :)

I have a whole box of ICE CREAM SANDWICHES waiting for me in the freezer.

J I love my JOB. Really couldn't ask for better. And in these tough economic times I am all the more thankful I even have one.

KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS is back for an all new season. Not even sure why I like the show, but I do. Now that "The Girls Next Door" are gone Kim, Kourtney and Khloe are the new center of my Sunday nights.

LUCKY CHARMS are on sale this week at Giant. Ahh! I love my lucky charms. The real breakfast of champions.

MARCH MADNESS kicks off this Thursday. Nothing puts a smile on my face like college basketball...all day...everyday.

N I love a good afternoon NAP. If only we had a designated nap time at the office like we used to in preschool.

O I need to stomp on all the fear and insecurity I have and be OPTIMISTIC about what my future holds.

P This coming Saturday morning a group of my friends and I are meeting down at the National Harbor for a fun "PHOTO JAUNT" event. A time to walk around together, enjoy the sights, and take pictures.

Q I love a good QUOTE. When I'm bored at work or at home I just google quotes and can spend hours sitting there reading them.

R Memorial day weekend my girlfriends and I are are going on a ROAD TRIP. Not sure where to just yet, but where ever I know its gonna be a blast.

SUMMER is right around the corner and I couldn't be any more happy about it. Out with the coats and scarves and in with the bikinis and flip flops!

T Hard to believe but I'm gonna be turning TWENTY FIVE in 9 days.
Time flies when you're having fun I guess.

U No matter how UNFAIR life seems I know and truly believe that everything is working out for my good.

V Every summer the last week of July/first week of August my family goes on VACATION to Bethany Beach. I'm already looking forward to it. Always a fun time!

W So thankful for my WEDNESDAY night small group. It's me and a small group of ladies from my church who get together every Wednesday night for a weekly bible study/prayer time. Has really made a great impact on my life.

X I know that just because my EX is not acting like he's hurting doesn't mean he is not. I know his lack of contact and refusal to express sadness doesn't mean he doesn't care, or that our relationship meant nothing to him, it's just how he deals with his emotions.

Y I'm really loving the color YELLOW...Think I'm gonna wear it out this summer. Always looks great against sun-kissed skin.

Z Who the heck careZ...there is nothing that starts with Z and if there is it requires too much thought. So that's the end. Definitely feeling a little happier after that...at least for now anywayZ.


Quote of the day: "The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. " ~ Ivy Baker Priest

My Survival Guide

Over the past several months I've run across quite a few of you, who just like me...have a slightly broken heart. Although I fully enjoy reading about the others on the opposite end of the spectrum who have awesome boyfriends or fabulous husbands, I am naturally drawn to those who are in the same boat as me.

When I read your posts I can feel the pain in every word. I know exactly how you are feeling, I recognize the struggles that every new day brings, and I hope for you, just like I hope for myself, that the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will soon subside and your happiness will return once again.

So in an effort to help, I decided I would share a few of the things that I have been doing that have helped me survive some of my darkest days. I'm aware that none of these will ever erase the pain completely and that despite our greatest efforts we will still have those days every now and then when nothing short of laying in bed for hours on end, with the sheets pulled up over our head will help.

But despite a few regretful steps backwards, these are the things that now have me headed in the right direction:

Getting Rid of It - I can still remember the painful morning I packed up all of his stuff (and I mean alllll of it, every article of clothing, every picture I had, every CD he made me, every note he wrote me,...) and I left it on the hood of his car. As hard it was knowing I will never see those things again, ultimately it was the best thing I could've done for myself. There is no reason to torture yourself everyday by leaving traces of him all over the place. So my advice...get rid of it all. You will always have your memories.

Going No Contact For A While- 68 days ago I started my no-contact-what-so-ever "He-Tox" program, as I like to call it. Just like drugs and alcohol, love is an addiction. And although we don't really need them, we think we do. So after two months of contacting him every few days, and realizing I was only hurting myself each time I did it, I decided I had to put an end to it if I really wanted to heal. Of course there are still so many days that I just want to pick up the phone and call him or send him an email to say hello, but ultimately I know it is not in my best interest. "If he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him."

Letting It All Out - When I feel like talking, I talk about it to anyone who will listen. When I feel like crying, I cry til I don't have anymore tears left. Basically whatever it is I feel like doing, I do it (other than contacting him, of course). I know that without first dealing with my anger, fear, sadness and sorrow I will never be able to reach forgiveness, and ultimately...happiness.

Spoiling Myself - When it comes to boyfriends, I am an extremely selfless person. Every time I went shopping over the past 4 years I would always come back with something for him. Whether it was a new hat, or a simple "I'm thinking of you" card, I was always sacrificing for myself just to make him happy. Now that I have all that extra money in my pocket from not buying for him anymore, I've realized it's about time I spoil MYSELF for a change. So if there is a $300 pair of jeans that I want or a new Coach bag I've been dying to have...I'm gonna get it. I deserve to smile too!

Hitting up the Gym - Working out is beneficial in so many ways, I can not stress this enough. I definitely think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't devote 2 hours everyday to myself. It's like my daily dose of personal therapy. Besides the fact that working out releases similar endorphins as those released when you laugh, there is no greater revenge than looking smoking hot the next time he sees you.

Keeping Busy - If you are anything like me then there are so many things that you always wished you could do, or planned on doing but never had enough time for when you were in your relationship. Well...now, if you are anything like me, I'm pretty sure you have a lot of free time on your hands. So get on it. Join a church, finish your masters courses, sign up for that striptease class, reconnect with old friends. Whatever it is, just stay busy. If you don't have free time to sit around and think about him, then you won't!

Reading About It - Sometimes when we are going through pain in our lives we think no one else in this world understands how we feel. But the truth is, at one point or another pretty much everyone has been where we are right now. And as shocking as it may sound, they all made it out on the other side. What helps me most when I am feeling all alone in this huge world is reading self help books. You might think this is lame but trust me, it really helps. Right now I'm reading "Mars & Venus: Starting Over" and I highly recommend it, or something like it.

Taking My Time - Although at first I was rushing to fill the cold spot in my bed, I quickly realized that by doing that I was just putting a bandaid on my wound, when what I really needed to do was let it heal. As much as other people out there want us to get over it and quickly get ourselves into a new relationship, its okay to go at your own pace. Just like a broken bone needs time to heal so it can come out of the cast stronger than before, so too does a broken heart. Just remember there is nothing wrong with baby steps.

Well...I think that's about it. Although I really could go on and on, I think this post is way more than long enough. So for all my broken hearted bloggie buddies...hang in there, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it!

And if you've got any other heart mending secrets, please do share. I've still got a long way to go.


Quote of the day: "I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees sure are easier to fix than broken hearts."

Cupid is Stupid!

So today officially sucks :( It’s Valentines Day, the first Valentine’s Day I’ve been alone in 4 years...and I hate it. As much as I know its just a stupid corporate money-making holiday, it is still an ever-present reminder that I am single, and the rest of the world, as it seems, is not.

If the 14th would have fallen on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or heck I’d even take a Sunday, it really wouldn’t have been a big deal to me. I would’ve just went about my business as normal, and conveniently let the date slip my mind. But NO, it had to be a Saturday didn’t it. Just my luck! My first Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t just get an evening devoted to it, nope, it gets an entire freakin’ day. So awesome.

Sense any anger or bitterness? Nope, not at all.

And to make matters even worse I can’t help but keep thinking about the sweet little card and cute little teddy bear that I’m sure my ex probably bought for his fabulous new girlfriend today.

Like she really deserves it.

- I was the one who went to every single one of his football games
- I was the one who was always there to encourage him when he was feeling low
- I was the one who helped him turn his life around
- I was the one who believed in him when nobody else did
- I was the one who wiped his tears when he got cut from the Giants
- I was the one who helped him out when he needed a new computer, xbox, tv…
- I was the one who put together his resume so he could get a good job
- I was the one who taped all of his games and scrapbooked all of his pictures
- I was the one who fired his agent when he wasn’t happy with him
- I was the one who spent hours upon hours helping him get rid of a virus on his computer, because I knew he didn't have the money for a technician
- I was the one who gave up my free time to help him with his homework every night so he could graduate from college
- I was the one who would surprise him with random gifts just to make him smile
- I was the one...

…and yet I’m the one sitting here by myself :(

Have I told you how much I hate Valentine's Day this year?




Quote of the day: "I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

Happy Birthday Friend

Today is Jennifer Aniston's 40th birthday! Crazy right? That girl looks darn good I must say. I can only hope to look that good when I'm 40.

Although I'm sure a little plastic surgery and airbrushing here and there had a tad bit to do with it, I still like to believe otherwise. It gives me hope...False hope, but hope none the less.

I've actually always been a huge fan of Jen's. She's got that wholesome girl next door thing going on and I really like that. Doesn't need make up, can be wearing jeans and a ball cap (or absolutely nothing, as is apparent in this picture)...and yet she's still absolutely gorgeous. I'm so jealous.

So I guess from all that you can pretty much safely assume that if I had to pick sides in the Jen vs Angelina showdown, I'd have Jen's back for sure.

Although I've been disrespected and treated rather bad by the men boys I've loved in my life, I can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like to have your husband go off to work one day and leave you the next for his whorebag coworker. And as if that's not bad enough, then you have to see the two of them, every single day, every which way you look, flaunting how amazingly happy they are. Ugggh...so painful...that's like getting stabbed in the heart over and over and over again.

And yet she's handled it all with such class and dignity. I totally respect that.

So if anyone deserves to have a "happy" birthday, its you Jen. Go on girl, do you! :)


Quote of the day: "There are no regrets in life, just lessons" ~ Jen Aniston

Making a Difference

It's Sunday. Waahooo! Super Bowl Sunday actually. Who wouldn't be excited about that? I know I sure am. If the commercials and food aren't enough of a draw for me, the fact that the Steelers made it in this year definitely is. Let's Go Pittsburgh!

Anyways, not sure what everyone else normally does with their Sundays, but for me, straight out of the womb, mine have always been about church. Since I'm pretty new at this whole blog thing, and don't really have any patterns or traditions going yet, I decided I would start one. From now on I'm going to make my Sunday blogs a little bit different than all the rest. No, don't get worried, I'm not going to preach, but I am going to talk about things with a little bit more substance. I know what you're thinking...more substance than Jergen's lotion and itchy sweaters? Yeah, hard to imagine, but here it goes...

Today, for my first attempt at this, I got to thinking a little bit about relationships. Not necessarily just love relationships, like girlfriend and boyfriend/husband and wife (although they certainly do fall in that category), but also about the relationships we have with our friends, with our parents, or even with random people we meet on the street.

Unfortunately today we live in a very selfish society. If you look around, you will see this world is all about me, me, me. People are worried about themselves, and only themselves and really don't care who they have to step on along the way, as long as they are getting where they want to go. And since that's what this world around us is teaching us, it's very easy to get sucked into that way of thinking.

But the truth is, that mentality will never bring a person true happiness. From what I've seen, selfishness and misery go hand in hand. I believe that if you want your life to increase and if you want your life to get better, then you need to help improve somebody elses life. The people that come into our lives, don't come into it by chance. God puts them there on purpose. It is our job to encourage them, build them up, and challenge them to reach for new heights.

As most of you know, for the past few months I have been dealing with a break up from a significant relationship. I keep telling myself I'm not going talk about it anymore on here, but it's clearly not working out so well....Oh well... anyways, for the longest time I just kept asking why? why? why? Why did I have to waste 3 1/2 years of my life on something that didn't work out? Why? Why? Why?

But the more I've got to thinking about it, the more it all makes sense. It wasn't time wasted at all. It was a lesson learned...another piece in the puzzle. In this case it wasn't so much about me (although I did learn a lot too), but more about how I was to be used to have an impact on him. I encouraged him. I challenged him. I helped turn his life around. By Christian example I showed him how to treat people with love and respect and selflessness...things he'd never been shown or taught before. And hopefully I inspired him to want become a better person.

That is why.

So whether it's our friends, our boyfriends, or the cashier at the grocery store, its important for us to remember that the way we treat people can have a big impact on their lives, whether we know it or not. Not only will it help them, but in a weird way it will help you as well...Trust me...There is no greater investment in life than being a people builder.



Quote of the day: "The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." ~ Nelson Henderson

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. ~ Matthew 7:12

Heartbreaker

Today is a pretty lousy day for me :( Feeling like I'm in a total funk. Not sure exactly why, but maybe it has to do with this annoying cough I have, me burning my forehead with my curling iron this morning, or maybe having to spend an hour digging my car out of the snow and ice before I could even leave for work.

Oh yeah, or it could be the most obvious reason...my Duke Blue Devils lost last night to Wake. So much for our #1 ranking...That sure was short lived.

As excited as I was in my blog yesterday, that's pretty much how disappointed I am today.

Wasn't a 44 point embarrassment or anything like that. Nope, complete opposite. It was a buzzer-beater. Which in my opinion is way worse. After being down by thirteen points, when everyone counted us out, we climbed all the way back and tied it up with 2 seconds left. Still shaking from Gerald Henderson's amazing shot, I was pumped that we were miraculously going to send the game into overtime. But no...like a dager in my heart, with 2.8 seconds on the clock, they threw a short inbounds pass under the basket for an easy layup. And just like that, the game was over. No overtime. No chance for us to score. Game over :( 70-68

Painful, I know. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it again. Then to make matters even worse, it hit me like a ton of bricks, when the game ended and I wanted to pick up the phone and share my pain with someone, I had nobody. And by nobody I mean no J. Sure I was texting with my sister and a couple other of my Duke hater guy friends, and I'm sure any one of them would have been more than willing to talk if I wanted to, but the truth is it just isn't the same. For 3 1/2 years J was the person I called. When I was happy, when I was sad, when I was scared, or when I was just lonely, whether he really wanted to talk or not, he was always there for me. And now he is not. That's a hard thing to get used to. Losing my boyfriend is one thing, but losing my best friend is a total other thing.

Don't get me wrong, do I want him back? No. Would I take him back if I had the chance? No. Is it really even him that I miss? No. But does that make my heart hurt any less? Unfortunately, no :(



Quote of the day: "You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help." ~Calvin

Letting Go

Out of the blue my cousin texted me the other day and asked me how things with J were going, and if I'd heard anything from him recently. It was at that moment, staring at the screen of my cell phone, that I had a mini revelation - No I haven't heard from him. In fact its been over a month since we've had any sort of contact. And I'm actually okay with it. Yeah you read right...I think I'm really getting over him. It's really finally happening!

When things ended back in September I was absolutely devastated. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would ever really break up. As far as I knew we had a great relationship. Hardly ever even got into an argument. He meant the world to me. I would have done anything for that boy. He was my very best friend, the person I told all my stories and deepest darkest secrets to. The one I definitely thought I was going to marry some day.... But it didn't work out.

On Monday, September 15th he was the one who said the words. At first I didn't believe it was real. For weeks I walked around kind of in a state of shock, sure it would all just blow over eventually. I tried my hardest to be patient, doing everything I thought I could to gradually make things right again, while still giving him the space he needed to figure it out for himself. However, as things unfolded over the next couple of months and he did one horrible thing after another after another to me, the truth was finally revealed to me.

With a clear mind, no longer blinded by love, I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was, our relationship really wasn't as great as it seemed, and everything we (well really I) had worked hard to build over the years was now broken into a million tiny pieces. I guess it was at that moment that I realized and accepted that it was over for good. I decided it was time to switch my efforts from trying to get back with him, to letting him go and moving on with my life.

Now, four months later, the emotions are all still there. Yeah I still miss him. I still think about him everyday, in fact, and catch myself wondering what he's doing all the time. But a certain amount of logic is in effect now. Even if he did come back and beg for another chance, could I ever really trust him again and why would I even want to try?

There are those times that I see something or hear something that reminds me of him and I just break down in tears. There is sadness about missing his laugh and his kisses. There is anger for what he has done to me. But I'm glad to say that there is also finally happiness. I've joined a new church, reconnected with my friends, and am falling in love with myself all over again. Although at first I was rushing to fill the cold spot in my bed, now I'm just giving myself time to greive, heal and sort through all the baggage. I'm being happy in the moment. Not worrying about the past or the future, just learning how to live my life to the fullest without him. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things really do fall apart just so that better things can fall together.



Quote of the day: "There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we think we can't live without but have to let go."